Natalie Coughlin: “I’m Not Ready To Retire”

Our July/August cover star, Natalie Coughlin, went to the Olympic trials last week in hopes of securing her spot on Team USA and becoming the most decorated American female athlete of all time. She failed to qualify in the first two events she swam, and pulled out of the third. Though it is not the result she wanted, she was gracious enough to talk to SELF about her heartbreak, and explain what happened from her perspective. Here is Coughlin’s story, as told to writer Molly Knight.

It’s really hard to say what went wrong.

These past few months I’ve been tired all the time and just haven’t felt like myself. Leading up to the Olympics, I was hoping that with more rest and by taking extra good care of myself the problem would fix itself. It didn’t. It’s frustrating because I was so good last summer. I don’t know why it hasn’t been there this summer.

It wasn’t the pressure of the stage. I’ve been competing in front of thousands of people ever since I was a kid. In the lead-up to the trials I just didn’t have the speed I normally have. Everything was more difficult, more forced. From January on, I didn’t feel quite right.

The 100 back and the 100 free were really the events I was concentrating on, so when I failed to qualify in those, I knew I wasn’t going to be fast enough to qualify in the 50 free. So I pulled out of that race. I’ve been in this world so long; so many people came up to me and said they were pulling for me to make the team. Some people seemed to want me to qualify, even as badly as I did! It’s tough to see them look even more heartbroken than me. I just knew with the way I was swimming, qualifying in the 50 wasn’t a reality. It was devastating. But I didn’t want to continue punishing myself.

At the press conference when I announced I was pulling out of the trials, people said it looked like I hadn’t slept the night before. The truth is, I hadn’t slept in two weeks. I was battling a sinus infection, and because of the drug testing you can’t really be on a lot of cold medication. A sinus infection is pretty tough to deal with as a swimmer, because it makes breathing even more difficult. I wasn’t feeling well, and I hadn’t slept. I had to get out of there so I could get home to sleep. But that’s not why I lost.

We have some amazing swimmers on Team USA who I am so proud of. Some of these kids are going to be on their first Olympic team. A bunch of my training partners made the team, and my coach was named coach of the meet, and assistant coach for Team USA. I’m bummed I can’t be in Rio with them. But I’m happy for them.

It’s hard to say what I learned from this experience, because I’m still digesting it—I still have to process everything. More than anything I know that I was a great teammate to the guys who are going and they were wonderful to me as well. That is what I will remember.

I’m not ready to retire. I’ve already committed to a meet in November in Tahiti (that took a lot of convincing, ha)—and I want to see that through. But most of all, I love swimming. The only reason to retire right now would be to get out of the drug testing pool, and I don’t need to do that. It would be different if swimming was just something I was good at that I hated. If I didn’t love it, I would have absolutely just said, ‘Yeah, I’m done.”

The trials were not what I was hoping for, or expecting, so it’s a bit of a shock. I’m not back in the pool yet. But more than anything I’m enjoying being home in my garden and hiking with my dogs. I’m relaxing… and looking forward to what’s next.

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